Perfecting Your Gaydar

Being a fruit fly for as long as I have, everyone regards me as the “know it all” of the gay community.

I will admit that my gaydar has been perfected over the years to close to 100 % accuracy. I can spot a gay man from a mile away.

And if my gaydar is ever off, I firmly believe that the person is actually gay. He just does not know it yet. I will more than likely see him within the next five years prancing around the gay bar with his shirt off, wearing Mac Glass lip gloss that is sparkling from across the room.

Which brings me to my whole point of this blog. How can the mere straight mortal spot a gay man? I have come up with a list of some of the obvious and not so obvious clues to be on the look out for:

1. He is wearing “guy” liner. Unless he is a rock star, no straight man would be caught dead wearing eye liner.
2. He knows all the words and sings along to the dance version of Big Girls Don’t cry, by Fergie
3. You mention the White Party and he knows that Madonna was there
4. He wants to fix your hair, make up, wardrobe
5. When talking about his house, he will use words like Ralph Loren paint, and Crate and Barrel. Straight guys shop at Walmart for dishes and paint!
6. He uses the word, “drapes” when referring to curtains.
7. When talking about football, he asks who made the 3 pointer.
8. Of course, he likes sports. Ice Skating is a sport, right?
9. You see him at the gay bar every weekend
10. His shirts are a Boys, size large
11. He refers to his friends as “sisters”
12. He cooks better than Wolf Gang Puck
13. He is in great shape
14. He drinks appletinis and cosmopolitans
15. His favorite show is Will and Grace
16. He loves Brian Kinney
17. Every vacation is scheduled around Gay Pride
18. When you say you feel bloated, he totally understands
19. He invites you over to do Arbonne facials
20. He shops at Abercrombie & Fitch
21. He could talk to you for hours about fashion and relationships
22. He uses the word “fabulous”
23. He wears nicer shoes than you. And they match his belt and his man bag.
24. He listens to the “mountain” radio station by day and the “Beat” on Sirius radio by night.
25. He goes to the gym where the hottest guys are
26. He has a rainbow sticker in the window of his car
27. He uses the phrase, “I feel pretty”
28. He hugs his male friends
29. The lighting in his house is on dimmers to create a nice ambiance
30. His ride is a VW Jetta.
31. He refers to the stuff he puts in his hair as “product”
32. He sips drinks not chugs beers
33. He highlights his tips and covers his grey
34. He is sassy and can be bitchy
35. He could not imagine life with out his fruit fly

Now, don’t get me wrong. In this time when straight men are finally realizing that it is ok to look good and be more in touch with their feminine side, it can be harder and harder to know for sure who is actually straight or gay.

The lines are becoming fuzzier. You may find yourself asking, Is he the “gay but straight” guy or the “straight but gay” guy?

While being a straight woman, trying to date that elusive straight guy while being surrounded by gay guys… I find myself asking more often. Excuse me, martini…. Straight up or with a twist?